Happy Birthday

Today is Weston's birthday. I celebrated by taking son No. 1 to his first swim lesson, going to the grocery store, picking 900 toys off the floor, and cleaning 200 dishes from dinner the night before. In other words - a typical day. I'd like to find a ritual to do every year, making today special and in his memory, but I'm not quite sure what that would be.

We used to clean the highway in memory of Weston - a one-mile section on Hwy 93 - close to my brother's friend Wade's family's property. Weston was big into the environment and people littering would send him into a rage. He would've appreciated our efforts and thought it was pretty funny that we were out there busting our behinds rain, snow or shine in his memory.

But after a few years of cleaning, the county said they were hiring professionals to take over high-impact roads (this road leads to the dump, so there was a lot of debris and our quarterly cleanings were apparently not enough). However, several years later, the sign in his memory still remains.

My father usually takes a run on Green Mountain in memory of Wes and many years sees a herd of deer. This is significant because the day of my brother's funeral, he made this run and asked Weston that if he could hear him, to please send him a sign. As he said this, he crested the hill and there was a huge herd of deer. Usually deer travel in small herds of 4 or 5. This was more like 40 deer. This was definitely his sign as wildlife and the outdoors were a strong connection for my father and brother. They spent a lot of their time bonding through hunting, fishing and outdoor activities.

My mother lights a candle for the day in memoriam and looks through photo albums reminiscing. I have a few family photos I could look at, but no albums. The photo I brought out was of the two of us in matching red Izod shirts. I am 11 or 12 (I estimate this time because I don't have braces yet) and Weston is 4 or 5.

When son No. 1 saw the photo, somehow he recognized me (my hair is a Lady Diana coif although failing miserably, making me look more like an elfin boy). But more interesting is that son No. 1 thought the picture of Weston was a picture of himself.

I catch myself at least once a day calling son No. 1 'Weston'. Maybe because both their names are two syllables, maybe because both names end in the letter 'n', maybe because Wes is always in the back of my mind. Who knows.

I did briefly consider naming son No. 1 Weston before he was born, but decided against it. Although a beautiful name, that is quite a legacy to carry - knowing you are named after your uncle who committed suicide.

I like to tell my boys about their uncle Weston and show them pictures but fear the day I will have to explain why they'll never get to meet him.

Maybe it is important that today is just like every other day, because life goes on. You can keep the people you have lost in your heart, your photos and your memories. You can take time out to remember them but you also need to be present for the ones you love who have gone on living.